RollingStop

The day’s gone. I’m sure it did for you as the days always do. We do what we can. Try to feel better about the things that get us down. That slow us down. Cept today is the day proceeding last night. And last night something happened. Some window was opened. Neither of us were looking for it. But now its here. I lashed out. My words left me as my emotions do. Beautiful and sincere for when they are, and from whence they came. That was the day before though. I wonder where you’re heart is now…Still with him? Air condition units disguised as windows have been blowing what feels like cool air my way recently. It’s nice. But you know I’m a nature boy. Waiting to breath you in. We’ll probably smile a smile that’s held back even then when we first see each other. Act like it’s nothing new. But this reunion is different regardless of how we’ll front. We’ll be careful as we’ve been to not say the things that don’t need to be said, not ask the questions we don’t wana know the answers to until its necessary. And who knows what this will necessitate. Till then, smiles are hidden inside. The frontin continues. I’ll keep reminding myself that this isn’t about us. Find that little but of sincerity I can count on in this. It’s helped me get through today, I’ll save some for tomorrow, but it may not last till Saturday….

And now for you….

You make a mockery of my love. You lead me to the water, and no sooner than I can catch my breath and willingly dive, you push me in. leaving me, my lungs, and my life no warning. Then you cry and scream as I drown. I tread and reach towards the surface never seeing your arms plunge down to pull me up. Hearing your moans muffled by the bubbles as I sink to sit on the floor bed. You weep over the distorted image of my corpse under the blue, and then wave a better you down the beach to help. Admirable, desirable even, but too late. And then the tides change, and the two of you gaze on as the flames fly from the ripples and I rise once again. Unfamiliar to your eyes, you look on in pain and amazement as you’d never expect I’d be able to burn like this. So I soar off, and you heal up. We both become stronger, yet I’m the only one who’s really alone. You and yourself run back home to the village not far beyond the brush and study ways in which to be content, or to deal with the contentment therein. Yet when misery finds you relentlessly where you are, you look to the skies knowing I’ve never been far behind, knowing there’s no mountain whose peak I’ve not perched upon where I couldn’t see you and all that you are. Calling yourself liberated, yet still I see your footprints in the sand. You’ve been walking to my grave. To that spot where you let me die. Where you killed me. I visit myself, but roses won’t fall from my beak to kiss your cheek as he does. No. Instead, on nights when the moon is high and bright enough to cast my shadow against the rocks, I circle and listen in for your song…hoping that you may sing along with mine. But you don’t. I thought, maybe I should sing louder, more sweetly…but sweetness for you comes often in the form of a reluctant love your life will never allow you to truly feel, yet selfishly you won’t set free. So I silence my calls out to you, and follow the wind to another shoreline where I can sing all day. There, I’m reminded of how small the land where you live is. I’m reminded of the bittersweet sound of footsteps walking towards me that aren’t yours. There, I sit, and I listen to them sadly, wishing they were yours as I’m driven back to the deep and lonely sky. Back to watch over my tomb. Yet upon my return your pleading voice hits my ears with an urgency I can’t ignore, imploring me as if I was all that there was to save you and yours from the village and its tyranny. Bitter, yet ever compliant am I. Your plans of escape are elusive, and decadent as the folly of our love on the beach that day. And so I am captivated, drawn in, and not soon after comforted by the scent of duty calling me into action. I must’ve drifted by them, for I didn’t see the rocks defamed by your praises and prayers to such a false god as he. You’d extol him, in the evening, and call upon me in the early morning!? Not a squawk or a squeak shall leave my beak now. You’ll know what treachery my heart feels, as we conquer the hills ahead of us. You’ll have me for a moment, before I send you back to him and to your stones to continue your letters where you left him last. It will be yours to decide. You know that no death can keep me down, but a life with you would indeed by crown. Now keep your invitations, and I’ll speak not a word, lest I strike out as you have….besides, it’s much too beautiful of a day outside to not enjoy the colors with my own eyes.

यू लिस्तेनिं?!

As if I wouldn’t have something to say. But this isn’t for her, its for you. Nah matter of fact its for both of you. Cuz one is feeling like everything and nothing right now. Trying to make her apart of mine. Or invite her to be anyways. I feel like I’m finally waking the fuck up too. See she wants it her way or not at all. She wants you to drop everything and pay her all the attention in this world and the next cuz that’s what she feels she deserves, despite how broke or broken it can, could, or has left you. And I know it has. She praises you for all that you are, and yet pities you. She walked over you then, in your face and abroad, and then smiles and accepts your gifts of compassion. Judging from what I’ve heard, I don’t think she’s ever really loved you, just what you are. You’re good, Unblemished even…to a point. A giver, like me, except you don’t mind not getting anything in return…ever. I can’t really deal like that. You’ll stand by, lavishing her with as much as she’ll take, but that’s all that she’ll do is take. When it’s time to give, she’ll do it on her time, or reluctantly. Ask yourself, when have you asked and she obliged? But then have you even asked? See it makes it hard for me to respect you as well, at least when it comes to this, when it comes to her. What is it worth brother, to give until you’ve nothing left to give? Till your pockets are stark bone dry cuz she drank you down and left not even a sip to quench your throat parched of her? When has she actually made the giving worth the while, worth the energy, worth the money? When has your reservation been acknowledged with excitement, when has she actually been truly satisfied by what pleasure you thought you brought? Can you say? Can you answer without pause? No? Why, cuz you weren’t keeping track huh? Cuz you’re just that kind of guy, I know. And guys like you don’t need chics like her man. Hell, maybe I don’t either. But I’ll tell you this…I deserve her more than you do. Cuz I’m not afraid to speak the fuck up and tell her that the rainbow doesn’t spout pink out her crotch cuz she thinks it does. I’m bold enough to tell her when her blades aren’t sharp enough to spear me, my flesh is too thick. There’s no money that can’t be spent, trust. Giving the gift isn’t the problem, but why give when the receiver is ungrateful? When she believes in her heart that she deserves it anyway, whether you’re giving it or not. She’ll just as soon ask why you’ve stopped crawling up behind her if and when you do, even though she kept her eyes forward and you on a leash while she struts down the avenue winking at the other pet owners saying “Go girl!” I don’t blame you. Lord knows I’ve been there. Enough times to know that it’s all bullshit. She doesn’t know it yet, can’t see that I’ve passed these games of “let’s play princess palace and you be my court jester”. Peasants. I’m a King. IAMTHESYMPHONIEPHOENIX. And the sky is far too wide to stay narrow minded . It’s her eyes isn’t it? She’s a beauty that you don’t see until you look, and once you look, you’re hooked. You’re not to blame, just get out now! Not because I said so, or because I want her for myself, but because as long as she’s got you under her spell…there’s nothing you can do. You’re love won’t get through to her. Even now as she contemplates how much better than me you are, she’s hesitant. You’re the obvious choice; Everyone’s number one pick. So why haven’t you won yet? Sure a trip and some turkey might get you a biscuit and gravy…but then we both know she ain’t soppin up n’un that she can’t spit or shit back out. Someone else deserves you more bro. And I bet you’re reading this getting offended for her. Don’t. Cuz she’s doing the same thing, being just as mad, but not because it’s not the truth, rather because she wishes you would actually have the balls to say and see all this. Then you might could actually win. But I won’t be your personal pessimist. There’s hope yet. When she’s had her fun, and her hearts been broken a few more times, and maybe some years pass and she starts to be on that woman type “I feel my internal clock ticking” shit, and she sits back and looks at all the beautiful lonely women surrounding her that were so stubborn as not to…she’ll settle. She’ll convince herself that life would be better with you than by herself. You saw the post. You read her words. So best of luck chum! You’re gonna need that and some more. Meanwhile you’ll ignore all I’m saying, and count me as a hater tryna block. And that’s fine, that’s what you should do if you’re all she says you are. But she and I will probably be arguing about this by tomorrow afternoon, and slumbering under the stripes of a crimson Egypt by tomorrow night…something to think about I guess. Peace bro. Can’t say I didn’t give you the heads up…

"I Bet You're Wonderin' Where I've Been..."

Keep me for yourself. I'll have you instead.

Every night I die. Living life as Martyr. You will be my flag bearers, and t shirt wearers. Struggle songs will ring out in my name, for my namesake. Art and intoxication are of my own grand design, spelled out on graph and staff paper for the publisher to distribute. He is me too. Mr. Mi.2.

Don’t think I’ve forgotten about our mischeives, and indeeds. Fuel is old school, and I just need the real thing sunlight in my eyes to see a brighter day. No empty call log can keep me away from you truly. I visit all the time in my mind, and am usually greeted with open arms, so don’t say you don’t miss me for the love you give me just the same.

My nomad travels will take me around the world in 80 ways, but no hot air can keep the glare from your stare off the back of my brain. You’re always there. Making me what I am destined to be.

A treasure on the other side of the rainbow is what I’ll find and bring home to split amongst us honorable theives. But till then, my, how the colors bend, and how I’m lost in the lulling fall of the leaves.

Hero children rejoice! Let not your worries be of my woe. I’ll carry these blunders. My feet will trod wonders, through thunderstorm tempests and snow. I’ve much more to learn, yet when I return I’ll have with me something to show.

My journey is not in vain, pray your prayers will reach me and teach me of how compassion and friendship is more diligent than any technology can deliver. For “in life as in battle, honor is paramount.”, and therefore I will charge on into the fray, for you, and for us come what may.

‘Autumn Leaves’. ‘September in the Rain’. ‘Days of Wine and Roses’. Sad loves songs to compliment the pain. But none is sadder than my own refrain, yet still I’ll sing, till we’re together once again.

Yours Forever and Today, I’ll Remain.

....+...

The deserving of love are the undeserving of it. Of this I’m sure.

The light comes on that much brighter inside the moment that its been turned on from being off for so long.

I’ve been living in the broken silence of darkness and heartbreak. Learning all the corners of my lonely soul with blind eyes, and an open mind. What I’ve found is that I know this thing a little better.

Some of it comes from feeling it. From hurting. And knowing why the hurt helps.

Some of it comes from wanting better, and willing myself to strive to be honorable enough of a man that god wills it for me as well.

I’m resilient because I’ve been cloaked in loves royal robes and know what burdens become armor in the end.

My ears, arms, lips, and loins have been deprived of your replys and so I drink your words down hard, cut with anxiety and excitement, and chase it with a tear drop shot...

Not knowing whether it’s closing time, or if the party just started. But “I know who I want to take me home…”

Happy Halloween

What can come of a forced happiness? Not much worth taking home, or to north carolina evidently. Lonliness still finds me, and wins me occasionally and now. Fights are getting old, but ill keep it up till I wont have to. Till im figgin neo, and the matrix folds over onto itself. Cant let em spill my blood unless I want them to, and even then I wont go easily. You cant keep me from this. You cant keep me from here. Take my lady and my love, and my motivation, but never my will to create. To discover. I’ll be a poor prolific some bitch before there’ll be sky that I don’t emit my genius into. That’s right I said it. A hag. A whore. A beggar, and a blind man, but a genius says I. Crippled by his own devices. Standing on wet feet from scrathing my ears with my toes. They’re looking for him now. But he’s not there. I’m here, and I’m not him. I told you you wont find me in the same place twice EVER! I’m learning languages, and techniques to talk you into tasting my talons. Die bitches. Fuckers wanna bury me under the contracts of a soul signed away for false dreams. I’m not him! I’ll settle his debt to honor his memory, but he’s gone!!! I tell you now. Fear has fixed itself in front of me. Fake flags, I rip through them violently tearing down your scars and strifes. Cowards. I’m still here, go run for the hills, and tell em you saw it. Tell em your story. My story. I’ll only be stronger by the end of this, harder to approach with games I play only reluctantly now because I must. Squaks from dying pigeons that claim they can sing, when they see the symphonie. I bang like tympani’s tuned to roar out for centuries to drown out their torturous noise. I shut it out, and cut it up, and leave the knife sitting out where you can see my fingerprints. Ive got nothing to hide. Diligence loses me in the fury of a futile defense. Attack if you wish, it’s yours to take the risk.

94 From Toronto

I only want to kiss your lips. 

I only want to taste your squizzle.

I only want to share my secretes with you. 

I only want to look better for you. 

I only want to feel free inside of you. 

I only want to watch us smile in pictures.

I only want to be strong enough to let you go. 

I only wanna not hate you for doing this to me. 

I only wanna leave you when I have to. 

I only wanna come back to the bed you sleep in. 

I only wanna drink the tea you brew.  

I only wanna be your vanilla chai. 

I only wanna sing songs about our love. 

I only wanna cry when you hurt me. 

I only wanna get fresh to compliment you when we go out. 

I only think we look fly standing next to each other. 

I only wanna call you a bitch when you are. 

I only wanna spend money on things that make you smile. 

I only wanna compare you to every other girl that never made it. 

I only wanna kill anyone who would hurt you. 

I only wanna kill you when you don’t wanna be with me. 

I’m only crazy because I love you. 

I only love you because I’m crazy. 

I only wanna experiment with highs, and avoid lows when we can.  

I only wanna argue when we’ll have sex afterwards. 

I only wanna smash cell phones against walls when your on the other line. 

I only wanna talk to you on smart phones, and never again on instant messanger. 

I only want you to not walk away every other month. 

I only wanna stop begging you to stay every other month. 

I only want your family to stop hating on facebook.  

I only want more men in your life than women with no men. 

I only wanna be cool with jeff. 

I only want you to be cool with cheryle. 

I only want you to follow me where I go. 

I only want you to get your career going so I can follow you. 

I only want you to graduate.  

I only want you to get over her. 

I only want you to get over yourself. 

I only think you’re the best. 

I only think you’re the worst. 

I only wanna hate you till you die. 

I only wanna cut you off like she did me. 

I only wanna get you pregenant and trap you. 

I only want Brooklyn to have a backyard to chase birds in. 

I only wanna smell sex on Egyptian cotton sheets. 

I only want us to last. 

I only wanna get over you.  

I only want focus. 

I only want diligence. 

I only want Chicago. 

I only want Detroit. 

I only want New Orleans. 

I only want New York for you. 

I only don’t give a fuck what anyone who reads this thinks. 

I only think that we can work. 

I only think that long distance doesn’t. 

I only think you’re such a girl. 

I only think I’m cold cuz I need to be sometimes. 

I only think everyone thinks they know everything. 

I only think we know better. 

I only think your scared. 

I only think I’m a lot. 

I only think I shoulda  never kissed you back that night. 

I’m only so glad that I did. 

I only know our past is dark. 

I only know that right now is fragile. 

I only know the future is what we make it. 

I only want matching stamps in our passports.  

I only wanna dip you in sunshine when the moons out. 

I only see the stars when I look into your eyes. 

I only think that you’re the love of my life. 

I only got the tattoo cuz I was scared you wouldn’t if I waited. 

I’ve only got a little bit more to go. 

I only think you should think again…again. 

I only wanna hurt for a day if you don’t.  

I only love you cause I’m crazy. 

I’m only crazy cuz I love you.